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The Top Ten Most Entertaining Questions Tourists Have Asked On Schooners 

This past summer I spent some time with the schooner bums down on the Camden wharf and collected a few of the best questions tourists have ever asked.  None of these have been made up. They are actual questions. 


1. “How do you get the boats to all point in the same direction?”

2. “What do you do with the islands in the winter?”

3. “How many sunset sails do you do in a day?”

4. “How long is your two-hour tour?”

5. (Pointing to the mainland, from where they’d just sailed out of.)
“What town is that?”

6. “What time are we going to get to see the whales?”

7. “What’s the difference between salt water and fresh water?”

8. “Is this an island surrounded by water?”

9. (To a 25-year-old deck hand after a tourist asked how old she was)
“Were you on the maiden voyage of 1978?”

10. (After taking pictures of the passengers and announcing that the pictures would be available at the souvenir store on the wharf.)
“How will we know which photos are ours?”

Bonus question because it was too good to leave off the list. And because this is a line also featured in The Ghost Trap.

“What time of year do the deer turn into moose?”
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Four more great expressions from the winner of our contest, Hal Learnard!

(Hmm these have quite the angle on the ladies. Do we have any good ones we can throw back to the gents?)

While discussing someone who is sick, hungover or exceptionally pale;
His eyes were like two piss holes in the snow!

While observing a well endowed young lady bouncing around without the support of a bra;
Gawd ! Ain't she all adrift.

While discussing a lady of dubious virtue;
She's definitely  T M U ---True Mileage Unknown !

While discussing a lady of sizable girth;
She measures 4 by 4 , whichever way you read your tape.

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Congrats to Hal Learnard of Washburn, ME! In our "Best Maine Expression" contest, he won the most votes with his old-time saying:

HE'S LIKE THE BUTTON ON THE BACKHOUSE DOOR, HE'S BEEN AROUND A LOT!!!!

Now if you didn't quite get what that means (and I have to admit, I was stumped) here's Hal's explanation:

The expression comes from the LOCK on the old time out house.  The door swings out and when closed it is held in the lock position by a short slat with a nail in the middle. When you turn the slat (button) AROUND one way (horizontal) it holds the door against the frame. Turn the BUTTON AROUND to the vertical position and it allows the door to open. Hence : the lock gets turned around a great deal.

Get it? Ha ha ha!!

Anyway, congrats to Hal who gets a personalized copy of The Ghost Trap sent to him today and thanks to everyone else who put in some mighty choice expressions, some of which I'll list here. Some others were just too dirty--(but freakin' funny) to print!

“Give ’er tha dinnah, guy.” Usually chanted while someone is doing something stupid and show offy in a big, muddy truck.

“She's got a wicked nice body but looks like someone took a clam rake to her face”

Being a parent: “if you can’t feed em, don't breed em.”

"It’s blowin’ like a whore at a Legionairs convention…."

" Jeeh-zus, I wus sweatin hahda than a two dollah whore on fitty cent nite."

How much a girl weighs:
"She’s four ax-handles cross the width guy, guy!!!"

How to console someone:
"Get a couplah Bud poundahs in ya and you’ll be alright there, guy."

On someone's intelligence
"Oh that guy? He’s nummah than a hake."

When your truck won't work.
"What’s wrong? Is it all stove up?"

When you see someone you think you know:
"Hey, wasn’t you the blueberry princess? Was that you up to Walmahts?"

When something goes wicked fast:
“It’s like sh** through a tin horn”

How big is her ass?
“She’s got the ass the size of a $2 mule’s”

The way Mainers comment on anything:
"Christ, bub. Jeezum, guy."

If you weren't born in Maine:
"Just because your cat has her kittens in the oven don’t mean you can call ’em biscuits."

On being scared:
"Shaking hardah than a dog sh****n’ razor blades…guy.”

The all-time classic:
“Hahd tellin’, not knowin’.”

How did you get so drunk?
"Well I was “bailin it right to me.”

On the proper way to say Bangor
“Banger – I didn’t even know her”


Spread this list through Facebook and feel free to add more!
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